Keep Your Pity Somewhere Else

I was out a couple of weeks ago, sat in my wheelchair drinking coffee and an old friend (who is also disabled) spotted me and came over to say hi. They asked how I was, and I said I was doing good. They looked me up and down with pity and actually said 'awww, bless you'. I didn't realise what they did straight away, but after the encounter I told my wife how uncomfortable it made me. It made me feel less than, it made me feel bad about myself. I was having a relatively good day; fatigue wasn't taking over, anxiety had allowed me to leave the house and I liked the outfit I was wearing. But now I had to fight with these thoughts of inadequacy, brought on by someone I thought understood making a stupid gesture.

I'm a disabled person who uses a wheelchair when I'm outside the house. I love my wheelchair, and I'm proud to use my mobility aids. And I use what I need depending on what I'm doing and how I'm feeling. My chair allows me to go to places I wouldn't normally be able to, and means I can stay out longer doing things I like. But a lot of people's first reaction when they see me in my wheelchair is pity.

I understand that the pity comes from ableism. Put briefly, a narrative created decades ago, in a time when society valued productivity over everything and disabled people were hidden away from view so as not to cause inconvenience to the rest of society.

But society has evolved and continues to change, and most people don't have the same views as previous generations, but some stigmas seem to continue. There's still the idea in some people's minds that disabled people can't do anything; that we live sad lives hidden away. There seems to be a disconnect for ableists where they still don't see us as humans. Like 'they're disabled, they can't have lives, hobbies, interests, relationships or fun.'

I'm glad there are less people who think like that than there used to be. But even people who are not intentionally ableist, are still often ableist without meaning to be.

Then there are people who experience internalised ableism. That's when you are not generally ableist but occasionally have an ableist thought, or say something without realising it was ableist. I don't think of myself as ableist, and will call out ableism when I hear or see it. Occasionally I will have an ableist thought; normally about myself, sometimes about other people. When I notice it, I call myself out and rethink what I mean. When I get those thoughts, it's usually because of things I heard or was taught when I was younger; and I'm sure that's the case for many people.

Ableism can come from anywhere, and anyone can be ableist. I've experienced ableism to some degree from most people I know.

I'd like to say to everyone, whether you consider yourself ableist or not; listen and learn from people with different views, people with lived experience. Understand where your bias came from and rethink what you know about disability. Also when you're talking to disabled people, actively try not to be ableist, correct yourself when you slip up and if you get called out on something you've said, don't be defensive, accept it, apologise and learn from your mistake. We call you out to educate you, not to upset you. It takes time and practice to change ableist language, but it means the world to us to be included, treated as equal; rather than an oddity.

Lastly, keep your pity as far away from us as humanly possible. We don't want it, don't need it, don't appreciate it.